Down with the Holidays, Up With Pajamas

61264fe8b541895d1fd79cf0539415ecLike everyone else in America this week, I have a cold. As colds go it’s not a bad one. In fact, I may be the most healthy person in the United States of America at this moment. However, it is leaving me so tired that today my daughter physically dragged me to bed and bombarded me with stuffed animals and one very confused live dog until I consented to go to sleep.

I’ve observed that everyone else has this same cold, or a worse cold, or the flu, and yet the holidays are already upon us. We made it through my husband’s birthday, my daughter’s birthday, and Halloween, and now I have to start my Thanksgiving baking before I even had a proper chance to eat all the leftover Trick or Treat candy. We have an early Thanksgiving this weekend with local family and official Thanksgiving a week later with San Diego Family and then Xmas. I certainly can’t complain about all this and yet I also can’t stay awake. Since everyone feels blah, I’d like to make the following suggestion:

Thanksgiving is cancelled. I have abolished it, using the powers divested in me by the Internet. I have also permanently cancelled Christmas. Relax, Christians, it’s not personal. I’m also abolishing Hanukkah, Diwali, Rohatsu, Solstice, Saturnalia, Festivus, Office Parties,and any lunar holiday that happens to fall between October and January.

In place of the October through December Holidays, I’d like to propose a three-month long festival known as The Season of the Pajamas. We shall celebrate by wearing pajamas – to the store, to work, to school, wherever. During these three months, there are no set paid holidays – instead everyone gets unlimited paid sick leave. Saying that you “have the blahs” counts as sick. It is also permissible to say, “I just don’t feel like getting up.” Needless to say, if you do go to work/school/Walmart, you will do so in PJs (no big change regarding Walmart).

There are no gift exchanges during this time. Nor is there decor. However, there is usually a run on blankets and pillows during this season.

Our festive foods will be instant soup, pizza, and tea. Gatherings are forbidden except in cases of group movie marathons on cushions and large couches. TV show binges are also permitted. Instead of being judged on how clean and well-decorated your house is, you will be judged on how sloppy it is, since in the spirit of sloth, one is to neglect housekeeping during this time. Think of it as a housekeeping fast. You may serve your guests hot beverages of the instant variety, soda, popcorn, and pizza. Carry out pizza, not some home-fired-in-the-backyard-pizza-oven stuff. Do not desecrate Pajama Season by cooking during this slothful time.

You may notice, that, just like the current holiday season, some toil while others rest. For those who agree to make pizza for the rest of us and keep Netflix in proper working order, there is a mandatory trade-off period – those of us who celebrate Pajama Season must give these hard workers corresponding time off during Flip Flop Season. Fair is fair.

I with you all a very slothful Pajama Season. You can get dressed gain on January 30th which will give you two weeks to prepare for All Kinds Of Love Including But Very Much Not Limited To Romantic Love Day in February. Enjoy.